Joixiotic: Whimsical

I know it’s been a while since I blogged about something. Well, I have good news and bad news.

Good news for me: is that I finally had the courage to talk about my fears for my future.

Good news for you: is that This is long, probably long enough to make up for the times I didn’t blog.(I’m not sure if that’s good news.XD)

Bad news: is that this one is too “emo” that I understand if you don’t want to read this. Anyway, as they say, it’s not about being read, it’s about being written (or something like that).

If you don’t want to feel down:

—————STOP HERE—————

I don’t know what’s up with me lately. It’s as if everything is taking its toll on me. It’s as if I’m delaying an inevitable to happen. It’s as if I’m pressured by something I don’t know. I feel like crying but I can’t.

I think I’ve been pressuring myself more than I should

-that when people talk about my future, I want to break down.

-that though I haven’t started, I feel the burden already.

I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t know what to expect;

- or if it is because I don’t know my capabilities

- or if it is because everyone expects me to deliver

- or if it is because I have the chance to live a dream other people cannot.

I don’t mean to sound conceited, as these are the reasons why, I believe, I’ve been pressuring myself to think too much.

I was never the type of person who takes risks, but I decided to take one now - One with 50-50% of success. And now the thinking and analysis of it, is bringing me to my ends.

Fear of the Unknown

This, I believe, is inherent to everyone. Therefore, I’m not an exemption. I never was. Risk.

Fear of Incapability

There are a lot of things I can’t do but the realization of it brings me frustration. (I thought I was Supergirl. Guess not.) I’m afraid to realize that the thing I wanted to do is something I can’t do. What if I can’t do it? What will happen? Risk.

Fear of Disappointment

Following the fear of incapabilty is my fear of other people realizing I am incapable of many things too. (P.R.I.D.E.) I was always afraid of disappointment. Afraid of not delivering. But I realized that that phobia has brought me to even greater heights. Heights which brought me more apprehension than I thought I can handle. Risk.

Because of these fears I end up hurting people who care for me and my future. I feel sorry for them, having to worry about me and my seemingly “silly” feeling of awkwardness about my future. (It’s my future, for Pete’s sake! Why should I be awkward?!) Well, answers’ stated above. Give me some time, I’ll be able to adjust. It’s just that everything is going too fast that I felt like I’m being left behind by my own future. I’ll be ok. Just… (breathe…)

I have always been optimistic but for some reason, I can’t find my optimism. If ever you see it, please lead it back to me. And if you didn’t, it’s still probably with me, just resting from the exhaustion it felt from working overtime. It’ll probably start working anytime soon.

Lord,

Enlighten me to create my own path not according to anyone else’s will but Yours.

Enlighten me to find myself.

Enlighten me to wake my optimism.

Amen.

Yours,

Joixiotic